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2004-04-06 - 22:41

movin' on

Ninja is singing softly in the background of the Closet, his fingers caressing Big Blue.

& Da Ninja sings:

"I've been sittin' here, tryin' to find myself... I get behind myself... I need to rewind myself..."

Recently I've had the feeling that my hands are dirty. I keep washing them with no soap and cold water at intervals when I can't stand the filth anymore. One of our nails is breaking, and Polla is devastated. I don't know what to think anymore. Maybe I just need a break, but I refuse to let ourselves break down again. I am in control, I am in control. And in case I ever loose it, Piojo will take over. That's a bit of a comfort. I feel so apart and distant from the world, and some of us think that is just not fair.

NINJA (singing): "Been looking for the pay back, listen for the playback... They say that every man bleeds just like me..."

But see, that's not true. I don't bleed normally. Because sometimes I just don't bleed at all. The marks and scars just appear on my body and I don't ever recall their pain.

NINJA (still singing): "People don't know 'bout the things I say and do... They don't understand 'bout the shit that I've been through..."

We have no memory of our childhood either, and that disturbes most of us greatly for some reason. But more than that, it frightens us to remember. Because there is something to remember in all this. That's just what Gis is hiding.

NINJA: "Maybe I forgot all the things I'd miss; somehow I know there's more to life than this..."

My fingertips are cold now. We think I might have bad circulation. Or maybe mom's right, and it is diabetes. After all, it runs strong in the family. So do mental problems, although the family is too poor for any of the members to have ever gotten treatment. And in Mexico, that's kind of a joke. So there's no scholarly proof, no medical records to indicate I come from an anything but normal family.

Ninja finally stands up from his corner on the bed. He strumms his last chords as he looks around the room, and he sings the last stanza to Piojo's approval:

"So I think I'll keep on walkin' with my head held high. I'll keep movin' on, and only God knows why..."

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