24 May 2011 - 00:38
acceptanceThe night is fuckin' hot n' sticky. Nowhere else is you's gon' find a place tha's in the fuckin' 80's at night. Least that what it feels like t' me. Shit's so bad we's snuck into the livin' room n' made ourself comf'trable on the couch - livin' room's only room in the house wit' A/C, other than the Blue Room, where Dud n' the kiddos sleep.
Speakin' of kids, we's found Jack! Piojo too, though they both still be clingin' to the shadows of our mind. I's think it helped that we spoke to our ol' lady 'bout all the internal turmoil we was havin'. She's always been real supportive of our system; but then again she's gotta, right? Bein' our mom n' all. She makes us feel safe in a good warm way that we's never gotten from anyone, not even Piojo. Not like Protector-safe, just... I dunno. I's love the ol' woman ta death is all I's know; it terrifies me t' think what life'll be like without her. But anyway, story for another day. Point is, we talked t' her n' got some advice. She said t' give the Lost time, that they'd be back when they was ready. She even suggested that maybe after so many years of carryin' the burden of Us, Piojo was tired n' needed t' internalize and recharge. If she'd said that 'bout anyone else, I woulda believed her. (In the end, by the way, Piojo didn't tell us what he went away for, only said that we was a buncha weak pussies - okay, so he didn' call us pussies, but he did call us weak an' useless - for panicking an' mentioned in passin' that he'd gon' t' be wit' Proph for a while, 'cause it needed him more than we's did at the time. Which pissed me the fuck off, dawg, 'cause that means the goddamned asshole knew where the Prophet was all along. Again, I digress.) Ma gave us all a buncha hugs n' kisses n' cried wit' us over those we'd lost. She cried 'cause she said she didn' know how t' help us. I's don' think she realized just how much good she did t' us. Plus I think she talked wit' the Dud later on when they was alone 'cause she's more tolerant now. Also I's think it helped her t' see BB cryin' on the floor of the bathroom 'cause we's couldn' find or feel our kids. She tried to tell us that maybe losin' our people was a good thing, like integration was "finally happenin'," but BB started cryin' harder and tol' the Dud that her comment was the equivalent of someone tellin' her that her life would be better if her three children died or disappeared.
So now things be gettin' better ('cept for the damn weather). We's managed t' get ahold of Svl, and even convinced him t' externalize (something he ain't done since January) now n' again, though he still won't frontrun. Polla n' Yang be more relaxed now that Piojo's back, sleeping a whole lot damn more. But I ain't worried 'bout them; it be the good type'a sleep. Like we mentioned b'fore, those two be meant to be internalized. Hell, I'm even startin' t' get along wit' the Dud. I's know, here comes the Rapture, righ'? I's help her out wit' her kiddos sometimes. Grizzly'll Sandra-Aurora wit' Moco, Piojo n' Yang t' make the ultimate Grumpy Uncle/Father Figure, n' Jackie Boy n' I'll play the Silly Uncle. I'm sure we freak them kiddos out wit' our "mood swings," but they be kids; they take it in stride. �ngel even sarted tellin' the other kids at school n' at daycare that we be his second Dad. I'm tellin' ya, it 's a good feelin'.
I's don' know how long this good patch in our life will continue, but if we's land in a rut, I's ain't worried no more. We's got a note from Liz we barely got around t' readin'. Sorry sugar, we's didn' mean t' scare ya'. It was a bad, scary time for us, too, an' we still ain't fully out of it. An' you's were righ', 'bout us runnin' inside 'cause we felt threatened; threatened by the thought of Outsiders chasin' us In, makin' us go away as a condition to accept this shell we live in. In the end, it took lots of effort t' get past the hurdle of gettin' to trust someone ouside ourself. Gettin' past it shook our foundations completely, n' I's not even sure our internal dynamic will ever be the same. Piojo says it all be part of growin' up n' growin' out of our comfort zone. Now I's think we's finally startin' to see our Outsider Family for bein' jus' that: our family. Maybe, in a few years, when the Dud's kiddos are older, I'll be able t' sit 'em down n' tell them 'bout their Uncle Ninja.