27 September 2015 - 00:38
of dreams and sleepWhew, I finally have enough quiet time to think. So much stuff going on in the Closet today. Not tumultous havoc, no, just... busy. It all started with a weird dream we had.
Now, usually, when we dream, it's what we call a shared dream. We dream as One, we are the Body, and whatever situations happen to us happen to what Outsider's see, except each of us interprets the events differently. But every so often, we dream Apart. Those dreams are usually extra-significant. Last night was one of those dreams.
We dreamt about work, but of course, in Dreamworld, things looked skewed. Everything had a red tinge to it, as if looking at the world through rose-colored lenses. Things were moved around, but in my dream, the excuse to that was that the engineers were remodelling the warehouse. Change. Instead of having Nick in the computer adjacent to mine to the front, she was behind me, in the computer station touching Whatserface, Alex. In Nick's original computer station was Sarah (Art). I guess that makes sense, since that used to be that bitch's computer in the first place. *sigh* Okay, let me push back against Ninja a little bit. I'm trying to be objective. As I said, different views of the same dream. I feel a tingle run down my spine and into my arms, making my arm hairs stand on end.
Rebecca was also in my dream, and, like Sarah, she didn't seem to annoy me too much. (Believe me, she does in real life.) She was checking up on us and on how the new flow of volume was affecting the way we worked. (Everything was peachy-keen.) Then at some point in my dream, the floor was mattress, and Alex, Nick, Art and I were all lying down, quietly talking. I had my back to Art, because I wanted nothing to do with him, and was facing Nick instead. She, in turn, was taking turns talking to me and to Alex, who was to her right. We were pretty much ignoring Sarah. I was wearing blue plaid PJ pants, and as I was chatting with Nick, I felt Sarah pull back my waistband and snap it back. It didn't hurt, 'cause he wasn't doing it too hard; just enough to get my attention. I knew he was trying to get my attention. He kept doing it, too, over and over again, until, annoyed as all fuck, I reached behind me to swat his hand away. When I do, I'm suddenly BB - I'm all woman. And he grabs my wrist when I try to swat his hand away, pulls my arm back and kisses the inside of my arm, just above the grabbed wrist. I shudder; BB yanks her arm back to our chest and flips over to face him, wary and frowning, bracing for a fight. Art is curled up into a ball, avoiding eye contact, whimpering as though struck. Fetal position. BB's heart softens. She reaches out and pats his hair, which in turn becomes stroking, and he edges closer to her. She puts an arm around him and lets him snuggle against her while she runs her hands through his hair and makes motherly shushing noises. Retelling all this now, makes my stomach a bit queasy. I'm not sure what it means, but
NINJA: Let me tell ya' what it means, dawg. I's know y'wanna be objective n' shit, Grizz, but fuck off. I's can't do that.
It means B's still workin' out her feelings n' crap. It's normal. Shit, I went through that shit, too, long 'go. 'N though I's don' like it, it's best we leave 'er be.
Xvl: Seeing the world through rose-tinted lenses? C'mon, Grizz, even you should see the symbolism on that one. It's the world as BB wants it to be. She wants Art to be sorry, wants him to need her, wants the friendship back. She's still mourning for him, and I get it. Hell, I enjoyed his company, too. It doesn't help that she was not the one to end the relationship, too.
NINJA: Lookin' t'blame me fer this shit? I ain't sorry. I's did what I's had t'do. Letting Piojo handle things woulda been worse.
GRIZZLY: No one is blaming anyone for anything. Remember, we're all the same person, essentially. We may not always act as One, but we do take full responsability as a single entity. Never use multiplicity as an excuse for something we've done-
Xvl: -or as a reason to do something, we know. But BB didn't get real closure with that guy. I have, I found my peace through drawing. We should probably talk to her about this. I don't want her to be hiding wounds from Piojo like Moco did for so long. It nearly killed him. He still hasn't gone back to being the same guy he was before that chest wound. I doubt he ever will.
GRIZZLY: Well, I've tried talking to her about him, but she keeps telling me she's alright. She won't go deeper than that. She'll sometimes admit she misses him, but no, that's not even true... I'm the one that's admitted that, not her. I miss the conversations, but as I've also stated time and again, I'm glad he's out of our life. We're healthier now without that leech. BB never mentions him at all. She just smiles at me, waves my concerns aside, tells me she's doing okay. *pause* Aaaargh! Why won't she talk to me?! I thought we were close! I get why she wouldn't tell Ninja her shit -
Xvl: You destroyed her friendship with Art, essentially, bro. You're the one who took over the situation and put an end to it all. And Piojo let you. I always thought it was weird that he did.
GRIZZLY: I get it, okay? As frontrunners, we hurt her. We made a decision for her that we knew she never would. I didn't think she'd hate me for it!
BB: I don't hate you, Grizz. I don't hate any of you. I love you.
GRIZZLY: Shit, did we get you up, B?
BB: No, I'm tired, but I've been up all this time. That dream won't let me sleep. I'm kinda scared I'll dream it again.
Xvl: BB, what's going on? Are you feeling okay? You can talk to me, you know that, right? He was my friend too, you know. And Grizzly's. If you miss him, you wouldn't be the only one. Even Ninja wouldn't judge you on that, 'cause he's felt that ache too.
BB: Guys, you're all sweet, and I really appreciate your concern for me, but really, I'm fine. I'm just... more upset with myself for being involved in that dream to begin with, I guess. I don't want to be his mother!
NINJA: But you do.
BB: ... But I do. I just... I want him to care.
NINJA: But he don't.
BB: No, he doesn't. I know that already, Ninja. We've gone over this way too many times before. But you, of all people, should know how long healing can take. And you know how disgusting it makes one feel. I don't want these feelings in my heart! But he was my friend, one of my best friends, or so I thought, for a long, long time. For years! And I lost him, and I let you push him away, and I hate you for it, and I hate him more because he gave up so fucking easy, because you were right about him all along, and he never gave a shit! It's why he didn't fight for me, for Sal, or Grizz. For any of us. Even if he didn't know there were three of us who called him our friend, even if he thought we were just one person, and that you spoke for us as well... he didn't fight it. He didn't care enough. He gave up, didn't try. I know all this, see, but leave me alone, dreaming of him caring is my way of wishing he does, hoping he suffers not being in our company the way it makes me miserable, too. I hate him because I still love him. You do understand that. I know you do because you are me.
GRIZZLY: I don't like feeling you upset, B. I care about you more than that moron ever did, or will. I care more for you than I do about my writing; I would burn my world of imagination for you. I want you safe, and peaceful, and happy. Not just because it's my job as frontrunner, but because I love you. You are me, you live in me. But you are also my sister, you are me, but Apart. I remember... I have memories of you taking care of us, a long, long time ago. You were a frontrunner, too, at one time, weren't you? You don't have to admit it to us, it's okay. I can feel it. You took care of us, and that is why you feel the need to mother Outsiders, because why? Do you feel we no longer need you to care for us because we three run the show now? Do you believe us stronger than you?
BB: You three are stronger than me. It's why you're in the positions you're in. And I'm really proud of you for it.
*Ninja puts an arm around BB's shoulders and squeezes her against his side. Sal leans on her left side, snuggling his chin on her shoulder. I take her hand in both of mine. They're warm.*
GRIZZLY: None of us would have ever made it to the Surface if you hadn't nurtured us first. Even when we were Apart, the way you loved ourself seeped through to all of us. Your quiet and gentle ways with those around you taught us how to be Inside. And when we first began to hear each other though the walls, you were one of the first ones to ease our fears. I was never afraid of your voice, when I heard it through the chaos. We may be strong, but we are you, so you are strong as well.
Xvl: Not to mention, we will always need you around to mother us. Don't waste your love on an idiot who can't even see you. We can see you just fine.
GRIZZLY: You look tired, B. Go rest. I hope we made you feel better, and that you have good dreams.
*BB smiles, and withdraws. I see Piojo waiting for her in the shadows. He nods to us wordlessly as he takes her in his arms, wraps her up in tattered old blanket. They're gone. It's just us three in the Closet. Again.*
NINJA: We's should sleep, dawg. It's almost 2 AM. I's be tired as all fuck.
GRIZZLY: Sure thing, brother. You two go on ahead. I'm always the last one to shut down, anyway. Too much of the world to describe.
Xvl: Fine, but don't stay up too late. We're bound to each other, so staying up will inevitably keep us awake, too.
*We exchange good-nights, and then they're gone. The world falls silent around me. It's quiet and peaceful. I feel better about this dream now that I was able to speak to B. I rest my head on my pillow and close my eyes for a bit. Piojo looks at me from the shadows of the Closet. Yes, man, I know I was wrong. I am not the last one to shut down. You are.
PIOJO: You were not incorrect. Follow the others into sleep. I do not require it.
GRIZZLY: Ah, yes, I remember. I'm the last to shut down after all...
PIOJO:... because I never do.
GRIZZLY Goodnight, Piojo. May your vigil be a peaceful one...?
*His hand is firm on my shoulder and he pushes me gently towards sleep. He says nothing, but it doesn't surprise me. During the night hours, he seldom speaks.*