Get your ow
n diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

25 August 2015 - 23:05

halcyon days

We had a good day today, and so I'm tired. Saw buddies from school, kiddos cuddled with Max. Well, it wasn't really cuddling, because we're so very afraid to cuddle with Outsiders. Outsiders hurt, so we tend to stay away. I think that's why I love the Culinary Department so much: there's a very lighthearted, open atmosphere about the place, and people have very fluid personal bounderies. It's very easy to bond with fellow students, and then, everyone's buddies! (Jack likes buddies! Yes, sweetie, I know.) I can tell others felt the same way we did. For one, they voiced their relief to be back in school, and the laughter was a bit of a giveaway, too. I only slept three hours last night, but I was too comfortable and happy to be around my classmates to care. We were all tired by the end of the bake sale, but Manda made us grilled cheese sandwiches, and I shared my grapes and cheese and chicken salad with crackers. I felt so good. Thinking back on it, I still do.

And the fall term couldn't come at a better time. We've had a really cruddy summer, from dishwashing at CC's, to Mom's accident at work and subsequent move to the Dud's house. Our house seems so empty without her, and I just keep filling it up with more mess. I don't feel like eating anymore, which means, yes, I've lost weight, but I'm actually getting more unhealthy. Then the whole incident with Omar and Aneli happened, which I believe was one of the final shoves I needed into depression and rage. Ninja's anger has gotten much, much stronger; we need stronger chains to keep him down. Often, they don't work. Being alone at home means we can speak to each other openly without an audience, but too much of that can be troublesome, too. Because the lines between the Outside and the Closet begin to blur for some of us, and strange outbursts or mutterings and ramblings in public are the result. Mom spent Saturday night back home, and it was awesome, but when she went back to the Dud's house, she told the Dud she worried about us because she heard us crying uncontrollably in our sleep: something I was not aware of. Which just got the Dud paranoid again. I mean, she's never been all that comfortable with our multiplicity. She wanted to know if I needed psychological help. Of course I don't. We're fine. I do believe Mom about us crying, but it doesn't surprise me. It's probably the kids, Jack and Gis, because they process stress as fear, and react accordingly. Fear to the Little One ultimately results or alludes to death, and she is terrified. Like I mentioned, horrible summer.

However, today was nice. (BB: It was more than just nice, it was wonderful!) Yeah, okay. My muscles are tired, my eyelids feel heavy, but I'm excited again, I'm in a good mood. Ninja actually got to sleep for a large portion of the day. He even took the day off UPS. I worked the Sort, along with B and Polla. The only time he was even active was right before work, when he was the driving force in us getting up out of bed. He and Yowlie always bicker when we have to get up. But Ninja was even pleasant about that this afternoon. It was a gentle chiding, persistant encouragement to get us up and running, rather than his usual sharp demanding. And I, for one, feel at peace. I have to say, I agree wholeheartedly with Max when it comes to school: I don't ever want to graduate.

I wish the term could last forever...

previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! spread the insanity Get
 your own fun + free diary at!