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27 February 2021 - 13:42

with my hands on my eyes

We just got a new laptop desk... for our lap. So, uh, a lap laptop desk? (Jack thinks it's funny.)

Speaking of Jack, poor guy has been doing his best to keep everyone upbeat, but it's hard. Being an adult is hard. I don't know how Grizz does it most days. I am... so very depressed. I can tell, I can feel it.

So, yeah, we've been having problems in the family. Same ol', same ol', right? Ninja would agree. I wish my brothers were here with me right now, but everyone's pretty dormant. They're exhausted from having to run the show around here most days. Last night, at work, Grizz was having a full-on rant with Shifter, pretending Shifty was the kiddos, angry and cold towards him. It never ceases to amaze me how Grizzler can keep a cool head when arguing. I know Piojo has a lot to do with it. Maybe they were quasi-integrated at that point, who knows. I kept telling him to cut it out: Josie was there with us, probably within earshot, and in either case, the camera's on us at work. But he didn't care. I don't think he could stop himself, and neither could Ninj', who just kept interrupting to add his two cents. I'm not being very useful in all this, I'll admit. I'm too tired all the time. Just wanna sleep, man. I'm not motivated to draw anything at all. I can't even get excited about fandoms. My shoulders feel like they're always sagging. Is it clinical depression? I think so. I can feel it.

Then there's Mom... *sigh*

I really don't know how to help her, poor thing. This is probably hitting her way worse than me. Grizz and Ninja both insist that she confront my sister and the kiddos about this shit, but she doesn't want to. It makes my brothers suspicious. I dunno, I guess it makes me a bit uneasy as well. We told her that her actions make her seem suspect, as though she's hiding something, which she insists she's not. She's just too hurt, she claims. Our instinct is to believe her, although Piojo is sending us warning signals throughout. Trust no one, he says to us through the Closet, and I falter. At the same time, Ninja is fiercely protective of her. Well, of course he is, she's our mother. Yesterday, when Shifter brought up the possibility that she's the one manipulating everything, he shrugged it off and said, "You know what? Even if that were the case, an' she's stringin' us along, I's don' give a shit. Because in the end, how much time's she got left? I's can hold on fer another decade. I'll be a'ight." At this point, I'm afraid Mom's deluding herself. Maybe her sanity's slipping or something. She's definitely losing emotional control. (HeadMusic just started up in the Closet. All The King's Horses by Forestella.)

That's no way to live, though. I'm worried and sad because I know that come what may, there's no getting out of this clean. My relationship with these Outsiders is going to change in a way that can't be put back. And I have to choose a side, have to decide who I'm going to believe.

Is it still a home when you're all alone...?

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