04 December 2008 - 02:25
Dance of the MaggotsI'm not sure what I want to say tonight.
Would you really leave me?
Of course not, love.
I don't mean to sound so sadly pathetic. Of course you'd leave, if you could. If we weren't already a part of each other. I guess that's why I've always felt so secure about you. I know that, even if you wanted to, you would never go away. You can't escape me because when you close our eyes, I'm always there, inside of you. Beside you, and I know everything about you. I know what you're thinking and feeling. You're open to me.
I can shut you off if I want to. I mean, not that I would, but there is a proven way, isn't there?
If there is, would you even use it?
What're y'two doin' up? It be late, dawg. C'mon, le's go t'bed.
Wait, just a sec'. Grizz and I are still working on this.
What? Th'color? Y'all're still fuckin' 'round wit' dat shit? C'mon, dawg, finish later! We need to sleep! We ain't been sleepin' too well lately. Always 'til 3AM, an' we's need t'get up early. Don't make me frontrunner yer ass.
I'm a frontrunner too, dumbass. So's Grizz. We outnumber you on this.
Fine. But I's still got the Protector on my side n' shit.
This isn't even about you guys! I was deeply disturbed about something I read just now! Will you please go away? I'd really like to be alone. And I mean alone, alone, Yang.
Yeah, I got ya', babe.
*sigh* This is why it's so hard to think in this place. I mean, I love those guys, but at the same time... *sigh* They drive me crazy!
Our foot knocked over a clear glass piggy-bank in the dark. Scared the shit outta all of us!
*Gasp!* Stupid thing! *yawn* I'm so tired now! Never a chance to think in all this mess. I wonder if I ever really would try to leave Yang. I love him so very much, but... there are times I feel... detached from him. At night when we cuddle, I feel him so distant at times. And he changes when we're... *sigh* I don't know. Maybe I'm the one that changes. Maybe I only use him.
Did'ja ever stop ta think maybe tha's why he's around?
Ninja! I said alone! And... what the hell are you talking about? What do you mean, why?
It's why he be a part of us. So you could have someone b'side you, at any n' all times.
Don't be ridiculous! We were all always here!
That ain't true. C'mon, y'know it. I ain't one t'believe in the "fractured mentality" structure, where we's undergo horrific trauma n' our mind breaks apart, but I's do know our multiplicity was a type of defense mechanism. An' even if we was all born at the same time wit' da Body, don't mean we all left da Closet at the same time. If I go back n' check, not even you were out in the begining. Neither was Yang. An' you came firs', I r'member. We found you in the shadows firs' b'fore we saw Yang. Just instants b'fore, maybe, but yeah. You were here first. You're older, but not. Instead of you comin' out firs' to scope shit out, n' protect him, he had to come out after you, because the world terrified you, n' you terrified yourself. You was 'fraid of your emotions, of bein' the only sexually-aware female in the system. The only sexually-aware person, period. So you needed Yang to counterbalance that. He came forth only 'cause he felt y'needed him. He's your backup. It's why he's sexually aware too.
How do you know all this? How could you possibly know...?
I be a frontrunner, biz-ach. It's got it's perks. That, an' dur, the Protector told us.
Why would he tell you something like that and not tell me or Yang?!
'Cause. Why would he? He told us when you emerged. Right after we found Yang. He reads ya two like a newspaper. Or a crystal ball or whatever you say.
I didn't know any of this. Am I really that weak, that I couldn't let Yang stay dormant?
It ain't a weakness. An' is normal. All of us was scared, in the beginnin'. I was scared. My anger, dat rage, I's couldn' control it at firs'. All's I wanted ta do was race. Race on the freeway n' listen to rap at full blast. I's wanted ta beat the shit outta anythin' that moved. An' I's jus' didn' scare myself, I scared the others, too. Weird how in the beginin' n' shit, Gis was one of the voices a reason. Her n' Proph' used ta intervene all the time, while my rage would infect everyone. Even Piojo was violent in the begining. We all used ta bitch at each other, n' we'd all end up yellin'. An' it took time, but we's all eventually settled down, an' got our shit straight. I's got t'know m'self, an' got to know the others. An' once they wasn't needed so much no more, Munchkin there n' da Spook kinda faded off into the background, or lent their strengths to the rest of us, where we needed it most. Tha's why we's hardly ever see the Proph anymore, I's think. It knows we're a'ight for now without it, an' it can go off t'other places n' shit.
You mean... leave the Body? Leave the Closet without becoming dominant? That's not even possible!
'Course it's possible. Shit, we's all do it! Where's do ya think we's go when we ain't peekin' at the world through our eyes?
Asleep?! I don't know!
Yeah, no. We's sleep when th'Body sleeps. Maybe the kids take longer naps, or we can go all comatose n' shit like Moco has, but there are times when we're awake but... gone.
Have... have you ever gone?
Don' know. Don' think so, but tha's because I'm a frontrunner. I's gotta be around all the fuckin' time, keep people in line n' shit.
But you just said we all do it.
I's meant we all can do it, we all be capable of doin' it. An' who knows if I have? I's don't remember. My memory sucks.
And that doesn't bother you?
Does it bother you? We've all got gaps, yo. Except maybe Piojo, but he ain't talkin'. He ain't never gon' talk 'bout that shit.
Why are we even having this conversation? This isn't what I planned for this entry to be about, at all.
We's havin' this conversation, prob'ly, 'cause of lack of sleep. The only reason I'm still up is 'cause y're awake doin' this shit. Now hurry the fuck up an' finish, so we's can all go t'bed.
I don't know if I even have anything more to say.
Hey, you. Ain't seen you 'round much.
Wait for a few days. When our hormones begin to rage, I will be there to keep you in check, Frontrunner. And I hope, for your sake, that you do not attempt to fight me too much this time.
Am I right to guess you're here to make us go to sleep?
I am here to back up Da Ninja's claim. Everything he has just told you about yourself and your partner is true. You at times feel confused as to your emotions and purpose because you have never really attempted to get to know him as a person. You have always seen him as an object, and in a certain way, he has done the same with you. He believes he exists only to please you, comfort you. But you are both wrong. You are the green-eyed one, Spider, and you have ensnared him in your needy web. He is a Dragonfly, struggling to get free. You are both reaching that point in your existance where you finally take a step back and observe each other. You crave him, you need him, and wish him no harm, but from his esssence you must drink, in order to survive, or so you believe. And he wants freedom, but loves you, is fascinated by your woven charms, and wishes you no harm instead. So he lets you drink from him, and hates you for it. He hates himself for hating you, then convinces himself he loves you.
But he does love me!
He loves the illusion of you, for that is all you have been all these years. You know that hatred is there. Or did you truly believe it was this one here that spoke to you through him all those times? Ninja only channels ire. He does not create it.
I's don'? Of course I don'.
Worry not over it now. Indeed, the Body is tired. The Frontrunner is right; you must both retire into sleep.
An' you shall watch?
I shall watch.
But wait! He hates me?
His love for you transcends far beyond the reaches of your web. Go now. He waits in bed for you. Goodnight.