16 June 2019 - 01:22
the calm beforeIt's one AM and I can't get to sleep. We were supposed to go over to the Dud's house today to get this confrontation over with, and see the kids, but Rosa Isela delayed, and in the end, cancelled on me and 'Amá. This week has been so exhausting for me. I've been pretty much fronting alone, at least in public, since last Saturday. Seven whole days; I'm not used to it. When we're alone, and I try to co-front with one of my brothers... well, Ninja's in a foul mood, starts ranting and yelling, and Sal just shuts everything down and makes us nap. We haven't gotten a damn thing done in our room. So I'm left pulling all the weight. BB can't help, 'cause she breaks down crying, and Polla, MB and Gis have been mostly dormant, with MB twitching and growling in his sleep. The only person left to really be of any use is Piojo. Despite his cold hardness, I welcome his presence. He's been taking over at work, so Ninja won't surface, leaving me in blissful numbness, his movements steady and mechanical as he works, never speaking to anyone around us. Occasionally, I'll remind him to nod or shrug, just so we can seem to be invested in the conversations around us. As he works, I sometimes occasionally nod off, knowing he'll keep the body moving. He's as comfortable as a firm mattress.
Still, having him around can be problematic, since he doesn't really care about what's going on around us or within the Closet. He believes the answer to this entire mess is simple: walk away. From Ángel, from my stupid sister and her husband, from everything. Just fill trash bags with armfuls of whatever is lying around and get rid of it. No more baggage, no more mess, burn the house down, even. Start over away from it all. It's tempting, but we have responsibilities, too.
I just hope this is all over soon. I went to the public library today with Mom and wrote a five page letter to Rosa Isela. Wasn't sure if I was even going to hand it to her; was really just writing it for my own sake. Mom read it over, and thinks I should hand it to her. She's pretty stressed out herself, poor thing.
I need to try and get some sleep. I'll face the music tomorrow. At least I know that come what may, I won't do it alone.