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16 May 2007 - 08:43

mas que palabras

We wanna take a nap, but can't afford one. Not today. Lotta shit to do, dawg. Hopefully this and that Sonic Sunrise will help keep us up until it's time to go pick up Mom from work.

Turns out we did get to see Danny when we went to Mexico, but it was only for a few minutes. Still, it was great seeing him and Ricky again. We really missed them.

There are times I wish I could tell my family about our system. Y'know, other than 'Ama n' the Dud. But hell, we ain't even told Pifas yet. I'm not sure he'd understand it, despite the fact he's a system too, and I don't think we'd be able to explain ourself that well anyway. Not in Spanish anyhow. How do you even say "multiplicity" en español? Meh.

Actually, I think 'Apa would freak out even more so than the Dud (and that's saying a lot), just because he's just like her but older and multiple to boot. His system would recognize our symptoms as their own, and since they're in denial still, they'd freak out completely. I'm still sure we get this from 'Apa. 'Cause really, even Mom admits that she's actually seen him switch. Not "moody," but a real actual personality switch. We've seen it too, countless times. But I guess we see it more because we're in a sense trained to see such things in other people. We can also see through anyone trying to play the "MPD" act. Like Juan. What a little bitch. I hate it when people try to act "sick" to get attention. The fact that they consider multiplicity a sickness that can draw attention to themselves is disgusting in itself. But I digress.

What I'm trying to say is, I guess, that I'm scared. I love my cousins more than any other people in this world after my immediate family, and I'm sure all myselves agree on this (well, except maybe Piojo... but then again, it's Piojo, c'mon). We want to tell our cousins the truth, really. At least Ricky and Danny, who we grew up with and are like my Outside brothers. And at least Danny, who I've always considered my best friend for some reason, even though I hardly see the guy. I really, really wanna tell him about this. Tell him that he's the only person, and I mean only person that all of myselves love unconditionally other than my mother. Well, Piojo, of course, doesn't feel love (or anything else for that matter), but even he's learned to keep his mistrustful brooding away from him. At one point, years ago, he tried to have us shut him out of our life, like he's tried with pretty much everyone we've ever come in contact with, but none of us allowed it. No. No fuckin' way, you keep away from him, Mr. Protector-Dude. And so he has. And I'm not even sure if he even wants to shut him out anymore. I think he's indifferent now, which is damn close to what he feels towards 'Ama, so damn. (It's indifferent loyalty what he feels for our mother, so it's the same for Danny minus the loyalty part.) He's just so very special to me, to all of me. And I've told him before que lo quiero mucho, so I'm sure he knows that much, but still. I don't think he understands just how much that means unless he knew about us. Which we haven't told him. Because we're scared. I mean, what if he reaccts like the Dud? Just explodes with fear and mistrust and waryness? What if he agrees with her and thinks we need to go see a psychiatrist? What if he thinks we're dangerous?

I don't think the kids could handle it; it would break their heart.

I can't tell him, anyhow. Literally. Not until I go look up "multiplicity" in the Spanish-English dictionary.

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