13 December 2019 - 16:15
The Dud called us up this morning on her commute to drop off Mowgli at our place, as usual. Little dude's opened up his eyes today; he's too cute. Anyhow, she was going on and on about her kids. How basically her three are giving her problems. She had mentioned earlier on in the week that Angel and Anelí had something "going on" between them. She elaborated a bit more today, about how they've been arguing loudly (yelling, really), yet, and here's the part that gets me, she's not sure about exactly what. I think she doesn't want to tell me, but does know. I mean, it'd be stupid of her to not pay attention to what her two teenagers are yelling about. I had told 'Ama that I had noticed something off about their relationship lately, but I've known it was due to Angel's multiplicity. I've mentioned here before how A11 is growing their ranks at a (to me) ridiculously fast rate. I, being the suspicious, overly cynical skeptic that I am, feel that this isn't normal, no matter how much Sal and BB tell me to give them time, and that we can't possibly know what's normal for them because not every system is alike, and I shouldn't hold those misgivings. Fuck that! Let's just say, agree to disagree. I may not be an expert, a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I know when something feels natural and when it doesn't. And lately, my nephew's increasing number of inner peeps feels forced, almost. I just couldn't put my finger on why, or what the cause could be. I did notice it had something to do with his sister. He insists that she's multiple, too, but I don't see it. She claims she hears an inner voice, but chalks it up to it being that inner voice of subconsciousness that everyone has. We, as a group, don't have that, because we fill that role with internal conversation amongst ourself. In fact, Shifter plays a big part in that for us. We were using him for just that purpose a while ago, right before coming in to work. We needed to talk shit out with someone neutral, and practice what we were going to tell the kids. Because this is something we definitely need to talk to them about. Ninja already had this conversation with Kokoro-bo, somewhat. He told him to keep the plurality talk to a minimum, because it wasn't really conductive to much, and could, in fact, cause more problems for their brother down the line. I'm not sure we're getting across to them, sadly. Especially not Neni.
Got completely sidelined by work today. That was WAY. TOO. MUCH. CRAP. Both in the amount of volume and the amount of stress we've been dealing with all week. At least, since Wednesday. Right now, we're barely taking our ten minute break! Fuck. Anywhore, about my sister's kids. Yeah, it's stressful. I don't know how to talk to them at times, probably because they're teenagers. I mean, I never had much patience with teens, even when I was one myself. Before I realized we were ourself. Hrm. Teenagers are overly emotional, melodramatic, loud and needy. But at the same time, I understand that phase, because again, we were once a teenager ourself. There's a certain loneliness in it, at least perceived, and often self-imposed. And many times, during those tumultuous years, kids create the crises themselves, just to have some drama, because they want to feel special. And that's what I'm afraid is going on with both my sister's kids: their desire to be unique. I'm not saying Angel isn't plural; I would never say that. I can't, because it's not something I can decide, just like no one can claim to know what goes on inside our brain. But I also can't help but feel that he may be latching onto something he knows very little about, as a whole, and that it's being done out of rebellion. Also, due to our influence over them. Again, not saying Angel isn't multiple. I'm not negating the possibility, but I'm not asserting that he is one, either. I can't know, either way. But if he is a system, that system is showing signs of instability, and I don't like that. I, as a man, as an individual, don't like that. Because we've been living this way for a very long time now, over two decades, and we know how hard it can be. Basically, living a lie. We're known online as the Closet Clan, for crying out loud! We haven't even "come out" to all members of our family. Our father died never knowing that one of his kids was many. Once we began to fully understand what we were, and all the implications that came with it, life got hard. It was a confusing time for us, and not very pleasant. Early entries here even describe how we thought we were schizophrenic, and it terrified us. We had to really work at making our inner relationships work with one another so we wouldn't fall apart. In the twenty plus years we've realized we were multiple, but let's say sixteen, because that's when we started this online journal and really began to take ourself seriously. Well, in those sixteen years, our group has only grown by four individuals: Polla, Yang, Yowlie and Shifter. Four. That's it. We were originally nine. A11, Angel's group, has practically doubled in size in a span of a few months. Since... June? July? To me, that's a sign of instability. Most large systems we've met online became more and more due to stress or trauma of some sort. Despite the many disagreements I have with my sister, I know she is not providing a traumatic home life for her kids. Which leaves me with the other option as to why A11 is growing so fast: they are a front. It could very well be that Angel is plural in some way, but that he is creating this sense of a lack of control in his inner mind, so he can have that drama in his life. He mentioned how Cloud disappeared suddenly one day, and that it caused his body physical pain, that he wanted to cry. But then Cloud reappeared and things got better. It kinda echoed what happened to us years ago, when several of us, including Sal, vanished into the dimness of the Closet and we couldn't reach them. It took us months to find ourself again. Now, I don't recall sharing that story with any of the kids, so I think they're a legitimate system, seeing as how they experienced something similar. That doesn't mean all twenty-some of these kids are really separate entities. See, I have a special "ability," if you want to call it that, that my siblings in here don't have. And that is the gift of an extremely vivid imagination. More than the others, I am able to disassociate completely from not only my body, but my surroundings. Even from the Closet. There's a special pocket dimension, if you will, that I've created within my mind. So in that sense, I guess it's part of the Closet. The only other person in here that I know has that trait as well is Prophet. The Prophet has its Forest, and I have my Cavern World. I... don't really call it a Cavern World. It looks nothing like a Cavern. Or a Tavern, though the Tavern Clan has a nice ring to it, no? It's more like... a bubble. A pearlescent bubble of imagination that I can retreat to whenever I want. Whenever I create my stories. It's within this place that I make shit up. Like fanfic, or new characters. Let's be real: most of my shit starts off as fanfic. However, these characters never leave this bubble world. Instead, sometimes I bring that bubble out to the Outside, beyond our body, and then we have fun. *grin* It's as though I'm a medium, and I can channel characters that I create into our physical body, so they can act out their emotions and actions in real time. However, these characters are just that: characters. Figments of that imaginary world. They never interact with any of my inner siblings, never take over our body in public, never see the Outside world. Their glazed eyes see only what I create in that Bubble for them, and they can never escape. I control everything about them: I can even kill them, only to resurrect them, if I so choose. And I do so constantly, I might add. It's all part of my creative process. Oftentimes, I let some of my siblings watch my creations, and it's like a movie is playing inside our head. The kids are fond of this, because it's like an interactive story time. Sal probably comes closest to being able to manipulate the goings-on of this Bubble, because he's my partner, my creative designer. He helps me tweak things that don't seem natural, all to create a more realistic, vivid illusion.
What I'm saying is, maybe there's someone in A11 who has a similar ability. Maybe several someones. But they're young, and easily impressionable. So in that sense, perhaps we, and even their siblings, are inadvertently influencing them. Us, by giving the living example that multiplicity is a natural way of being; that there's nothing to be afraid of. Ibán, by being overly-eager in knowing all about plurality and by doing so, creating a sense of mystery and awe around his brother, and what teenager wouldn't want that kind of hero worship? Anelí, I feel, is trying to be nurturing and kind, to accept them as they are, both because she loves her brother and because it's a "secret" they can bond over. Except this is becoming an open secret, and she's also becoming increasingly rebellious and angry at her mom for not immediately accepting the multiplicity thing as something legitimate. All of these factors, I feel, coupled with Angel's own brand of quiet defiance to parental authority, are brewing this, what I consider, toxic environment for a system to develop in, if that's even the proper word to use.
*sigh* I don't know. I'm really tired and just... drained from all this. I don't want to upset any of the kids, and far be it for me to accuse Angel of being illegitimate. His inner world is his business, but he does need to learn to reign it in a bit, and his siblings to give him space and quiet time alone to grow and consider his reality. Because what I have told them, over and over again, is that no matter what comes of all this, after all is said and done, this is the reality that Angel will have to live with for the rest of his life. We already made our bed a long time ago, and we're happy to lie in it, together as one. I'm not sure Angel is ready to make that commitment. But well, we'll see.
I'm almost afraid that the next time we see him, A11 will be up to 50 members or more. Good grief.
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