02 December 2008 - 02:07
rApTuReThe survey directory feature on this thing doesn't seem to be working. The only way we can anwer surveys is if we click on the most recently taken list. We can't look 'em up anymore.
We're cold. And getting sleepy, 'cause we just ate (we were hungry).
Got home not too long ago.
Oh, last night we dreamed of Pifas. Same old fuckin' dream, dawg. That he's dead, n' somehow ends up living with us again, an' we gotta figure out a way to keep him alive because having him die on us again would be a financial blow we wouldn't be able to recover from. Weird, huh? That we focus so much on the monetary. If my father were alive again, I don't know what we'd do. If he were alive and well, would he go back and live alone again, waste his life away on drinking and smoking and whores? I feel it would be so. But if he were alive and terminally ill again, he'd be living here, with us and 'Ama taking care of him. We'd be stressed again, rushing back and forth between work and here at home, and the hospital. Teeter-tottering in anxious uncertainty, praying for an impossible recovery and knowing it's impossible... so wishing for the alternative. A quick, painless death. It's been so hard for us, this past year, to live with ourself. Moco hates himself. I think we're so disgusted it's been the primary reason why we haven't updated this thing much, or taken up any notebooks. Pifas was the only multiple system I've known in the flesh; the only one we've met and believed, at least. It's so hard to meet a person who doesn't realize they're multiple, and when they're your progenitor, it just gets that much more awkward. There are some of us that will always hate Rule for doing what he did to his system. In many ways, he reminds us of Ninja, but Ninj' would never ruin our family the way Rule did, in his selfishness. And we can't forgive Rule, not even for Miguel's sake. And I miss Miguelito, a lot of us do. The children, especially, pine for him. We are frightened, because we don't know where he is now, or if he was scared in the end, or if he ever even realized what he was, and what he was a part of. I shudder just to think of it, and a tingling jab rushes up through our spine.
Rule was a crappy frontrunner, dawg, an' P'fas's Peeps were crazy ta let him run their show.
No, they weren't crazy. Rule was selfish, and he was an asshole, but he was strong. He had what it took to manage life out in the streets. He's the one that survived prison. After being in charge for so long, and getting their body addicted to nicotine and alcohol, he wasn't just going to hand over his position to those he considered less than him. He had worked over ten years to get them a roof over their heads, and money, and a business to run - you think he'd just give all that over? Of course he was killing them, but it's the only way he knew to keep them alive. He was as much a victim of his circumstances as any of the others.
See, and this is where we all start to differ. It's where we argue and end up with a headache.
I don't even know how we all deviated to this subject. I think it's because by browsing through old surveys, we ran across old diaries, and diaries we'd never read before, of other multiple systems. Their prose astounds me; the difference is so marked with some of them. It reminds me of books I've read on the subject, and part of me is incredulous. But now I look back, that is pretty much how we sounded a few years back: fractured and confused, all of us terrified and judgemental, untrusting. We were like a firing range arranged in a circle, waiting with itchy trigger fingers for the damn order. And that's how we pictured Pifas to be on the inside. I can't forgive myself for not being able to help them all better. Perhaps if we'd had the courage to face Rule, make him understand that he wasn't the only one in his body, maybe... well, maybe we could've saved them. And maybe we'd gotten a little closer.
Part of the problem with being multiple, I believe, is wanting our Protector and Frontrunners to jump into other people's minds and controlling them a bit the way they do with the rest of us. I mean, it's a system that seems to work, so why not, right? In all logic, I know it would've never worked. R�le, and maybe even some of the others, would've resisted our intervention. And it's not as though it matters. They're dead now. His body is dead. And now it's closer to February than it was a few months back. Time is creeping by and his birthday and deathday are coming up. I don't think we can handle it. Not all of us, anyway. But hell, we made it through his actual death, so we'll be fine.
We still have Piojo.