20 May 2009 - 20:33
Ich fühle mich wie eine Spinne, die sich im eigenen Netz verfängt.
And don't get me wrong, it's a very comfortable web. And I didn't make it alone. But as time has gone by I've been haunted by the visage of it; I'm ensnared, and I want to fly. Piojo has even started calling me "the Dragonfly". And that fits me, too, I believe. I feel like a dragonfly. My lady, she is the spider. And she's trapping us both. But that is another matter entirely. I didn't want to update in this diary today, thought perhaps our voices would be better heard if we were unified, as one. For that, berkinix would serve as a better vessel. But I don't feel unified. I feel trapped to my siblings, bound by force, and their weight is pulling me down... I am sure they feel the same way.
GRIZZLY: We do. I do, at least. We aren't going anywhere in this life, and that's pretty damn frusterating. We're not at the place we want to be, we're not losing weight, not cleaning our room, not becoming an accomplished musician, not a skilled writer, not a scholar, not even a student! We are craving change in our life, but it's as though we're frozen into our Closet (which is getting to look a real mess), unable to move anywhere, afraid? Perhaps...
SVL: I don't think it's fear, precisely, that's holding us back. I think it's a lot of things. It's distraction - we don't work well together. All of us are just so different, have vastly differing tastes and values and want to go down different paths. So for now, we've found the route that works for us, except we're uneasy --
PIOJO: Because it is no longer working for us anymore.
POLLA: So what are we supposed to do now? I feel... so helpless! I think I'm about to start despairing pretty soon.
BB: I'm already there.
GRIZZLY: The question inevitably comes up - 'Why am I doing this?' So guys? Why are we doing this?
NINJA: It pays the bills.
YANG: Not anymore. Not for much longer, anyway.
POLLA: It's our fixed routine.
GRIZZLY: We're good at it. Very good.
PIOJO: It all adds up to the simple fact - you are doing this because it is comfortable. And now, you stir because things are getting to be not so comfortable anymore. It is the same motivation that drives your peers as well. Yes, Ninja, you know of whom I speak. That bubbling burning sensation you feel deep within your blood is envy, and fear. Fear that she will move beyond the place you now reside, the place you believed you dominated. And fear of losing her. For despite all that has occured between this Clan and that woman, she has remained a part of this web, and now she is prey that is breaking away. Part of your comfort zone is departing. You are in pain.
*Ninja is silent*
PIOJO: We cannot deal with these emotions now, at this particular time. For we are still bound to this web for the next two hours, almost, and we must finish the tasks set before us. Fear no more. Time will pass, as it always does, it will not wait for any of us. You cannot do anything about things now, but you may yet... when the time is right. When you make the time. Now, back to your work. Be gone with you all.