04 April 2008 - 01:16
the wounded SonWe just had a conversation with 'Ama. It involved lots of crying and sniffling and raised voices...
Then I told BB to butt out, so things got better. I still think it takes Mom a while to realize when we've switched. In this one case, I remember Piojo pushing me forward and out while he grasped B' firmly by the shoulders and pulled her into his quilted embrace. She was soon lost to me in the darkness, but I could hear her gulping sobbs muffled against Piojo's hard shoulder.
When 'Ama asked us which ones of us were the ones that felt guilty about Pifas's death, it took me a while to answer. We must've looked funny, actually. I remember tilting my head to the side and sorta looking out at space from the corner of my eye, trying to get a glimpse of someone other than B'. To Mom it must've looked like I was looking sideways all over the room looking for something that wasn't there. When I finally answered, my voice was slow and ponderous:
"BB..." I replied, then turned and looked around slowly for the root cause of our pain. (The body's eyes by then were perfectly dry, and of course, my voice was calm and calculated.) That's when I spotted him, there huddled in the shadows of the Closet, trying not to be seen. To my great surprise (though I guess I shouldn't have been), no, it wasn't Yang, but rather Moco, who actually hasn't been around much in the past couple of months. And as we were talking to Mom, that's when it hit me: we haven't actually seen Moco since the night 'Apa died. It was Moco Gish there with the old man that night, holding his hand while Piojo whispered that everything was gonna be alright, to not be afraid, we would be there with him until the end. "Stop beating..." our Protector muttered softly in our father's ear, instructing his struggling heart. "No tengan miedo," Moco added, choking back sobbs that Piojo kept swallowing down.
When 'Apa finally did die, when he STOPPED, Moco stumbled away into darkness and we didn't see him again for a long time. Polla took over then, Sandra Auroring with BB, myself and Piojo. Yang ventured forth a bit afterwards so we could take a break, and so did Svl and Ninja. But they didn't come out until after we'd left the hospital and we were on our way to Wataburger to get ourself and 'Ama something to eat. After that things get blurry for me, as an individual at least. It's like we were all feeling. So I guess we were all intigrated for a while, except for the little ones. And Moco, now I think of it. 'Cause even when we saw Chuy, that was Polla hugging our cousin, not Moco Gish.
Yet realizing that he'd been missing all this time came as a shock. I mean, we speak Spanish every fuckin' day. I guess we just sorta assumed he was there somewhere, maybe Sandra Auroring with one of us present. But I guess I can just speak better Spanish than I gave myself credit for. When I mentally pushed him to answer me (all while I talked to Mom), he claimed to not know what I was talking about. He had no memory of events we've been involved in the past two months, and when I asked him where he'd been, he wouldn't answer. I think he's been asleep. Or maybe comatose...?
In any case, it all adds up to one thing: his pain, right now, is just as raw and terrifying as it was that night that Dad died. In fact, for him, time hasn't gone by at all. He's still trapped in that night. And he won't let it go, at all. He keeps muttering that "ha sido un mal hijo" and other bullshit like that. Piojo looked sharply over at him when we discovered he's been hiding a deep gash in his chest: like a stab wound, under his poncho. Piojo made him to understand that the wound is not his to keep, that the gash is rightfully the property of our Protector, and that as soon as he's done with BB, he will go for him next. Moco didn't reply to that, only huddled deeper into his poncho: he doesn't wanna give up the gash in his chest either. Pifas gave it to him, he says, and he turns his body away from us. He's sobbing now, long and soft. If you wanna go to him Ninja, just go.
Naw dawg, I's can't. He won' let me.
*frown* I don't get this man, really, I don't. I tried my best to explain it to Mom, but she was tired, and yawned a lot. In the end, just told us to get some professional help. Which is what the Dud has been telling us for some time already. But Ninja doens't quite feel like listening to their advice now. He says we can deal with our brother on our own. It was Yang who suggested that we take him to see a priest, and Piojo agreed. Un cura nos ayudara, he stated flatly, so the wound could go to its rightful place. See, all of us can get hurt. And in the Closet, emotional blows wound us as physical manifastations on our bodies. That's what Moco's cut on his chest is: a representation of his inner pain. It's his grief, his mourning. But no, it's not really mourning yet. He's not mourning for our father. He's blaming himself for his death. So the gash is actually his guilt?
Precisely. And it is mine.
Yea, because what I was getting to before was this: any of us can hurt, but only Piojo can heal. That is why he is Protector. That is why he always takes us in his arms, cold and dead. Because when he touches us, he absorbes whatever it is that's afflicting us and takes their physical manifestations onto his own body. There, the cuts, bruises, burns and the such will heal into scars. And that is why Piojo is all covered with scars. We, in turn, are left blemishless. (Come to think of it, I remember clear instances of such times when I was witness to such events. Like when he took Gis away from the computer and got cuts horizontally through his eyes as he wrapped his quilt around her.) Wow. Guy's one amazing motherfucker. Never thought how he does it before. And even now, I can't imagine how he does it, y'know?
*sigh* So Moco Gish is harboring a wound and hoarding it like it's some kind of sick trophy. He refuses to be healed of it. He wants his pain, his filthy guilt. And as I told my mother about it, I cried. I couldn't help it, my voice broke. I just... I love my brother so much, and I hate to see him this way. BB sobbed in agreement, but Piojo absorbed that too. He will remain with her until she is well. I don't know why he won't take both of them, though, under his quilt, I mean. BB and Moco, both. I've seen him do that with the kids sometimes. Heals the whole lot of them at once.
Jeez, Grizz, give the guy a break. He can only do so much. Maybe Moco and BB's pain combined is too much for his body to handle. Not to mention Gis's terror at losing 'Ama.
Hm, that's probably what it is...
Don't you wish.
Well, why don't you then?
Porque no quiero. Y el no quiere.
Since when have you actually listened to what any of us want?
No estaba hablando de Gish.
Oh. Then who...?
You ask too many questions. Todo a su tiempo. Do not question me.
Rawr! Alright! *sigh* I'm getting tired anyway. And we've got lots of crap to do tomorrow. Good night, guys. I'll see you all in the morning.