14 February 2011 - 01:16
The Enemies WithoutGRIZZLY: *sigh* God, I feel like I've been sighing too much lately. And I worry.
Things around here have been changing rapidly lately. Well, okay, maybe not so rapidly, but seeing as I don't really update this shit anymore, I suppose it just feels sudden. I fear that we're fading away into nothing, or at least becoming more internalized. And I mean ridiculously internalized. I think we started to mention this before, a few entries back. Mentioned how we couldn't find the Prophet or feel its presence anymore. That's how it all started, see. Then suddenly Piojo began to change, becoming colder (yeah, I did't think that was possible either) and more aloof. He stopped interjecting his ice-cold criticism in what he used to deem our "voice of conscience." He began to sit silent whenever we fucked things up, refusing to come to our rescue or give advice. Hell, we even started feeling physical pain more often as he pulled away from us. And then one day, I realized that he was gone completely, vanished in the same manner as Proph, only this is much scarier. And now it seems Ninja has fallen into the role of protector, though he does more consoling and cheering up than anything else. MB, who was just barely beginning to take a more active role in our family and exploring the world around him, also fled into the shadows of our mind, perhaps finding the world too threatening and unstable without Piojo. Then everybody started to fade, or that's what it feels like anyway. We're down to just me, B, Polla, Yang and Ninja. Even with less than half of us active, only Ninj' and I frontrun, making shit that much harder to cope with. Ninja takes up most of our workshift, with B occasionally stepping in for a few minutes of polite conversation. At home, it's definately me full time around the clock. Yang and Polla only emerge when we're alone in our room or when no one's home. Not that they don't try to help us out with the external load, but they're not really made for interacting with outsiders. Yang tried to engage Art in conversation the other day, for example, but the dialogue felt strange and stilted somehow. He gave up in the end and, frusterated, Ninja drowned out all in loud waves of hard rock and headmusic.
It's taking a toll on us both, believe me. And the fucked up thing is, I can't figure out why this is happening, though Ninja has a theory.
NINJA: I think it be the kids, Dud's kids, I's mean. I be dead-ass serious, dawg.
Cuz this shit all started 'bout a year 'go, over a year, when they moved in t'live wit' us. Grizz don' quite agree wit' me an' neither does B, but I know I be onto somethin'. An' I's don' say dis jus' t'be a dick, neither. I's mean, them kiddos ain' bad 'r nothin'. Alls I'm sayin' is that the Dud has always had a problem wit' us, and we's all know she be jittery 'bout us affectin' 'er kids. So maybe subconsciously we be movin' aside so as not t'freak anyone out. We's had t'hide more, even 'round our own house, that we jus' got real good at it, an' now we's don' know how t'reverse it. Maybe after bein' like this for so long, now we's can't reverse it, an we lost the others f'r good. I mean, I's hope not, but then again, weren' we all pretty much dormant most our life 'til the Dud firs' went away? Diff'rence is, back then we's didn' know we existed inside ourself. Now it be hard t'deal wit' 'cause we know 'bout each other, an' we miss those who've gone faded. I mean, I know I's miss everyone. I be so tired now. Hell, I'll even take Piojo back at this point.
POLLA: Don't lie. You'll even take Piojo back? We'll especially take Piojo back! *sob* L-let's face it, guys, we're fucked! We're fucked without that bastard! He's a dick and an asshole and a cold, heartless monster, but he kept us all safe, a-and organized, and... and... safe! He kept us unscared!
GRIZZLY: Unafraid, you mean.
POLLA: Dammit, Grizzly, call it whatever the fuck you want! All I know is that I'm scared now, everyday I'm scared, we don't know if the others are still even alive anymore! What if this is it? What if this is how we die, one by one, until only one of us is left, and all alone? What if that someone left is me?!
YANG: No offense, but I doubt it, babe. If anyone hacks through all this, it's gonna be a frontrunner. Now, I vote for us not dwelling on this too much tonight. We all got a chance to vent our fears, get that load off our chest. That has to count for something, I'm sure. It'll keep us sane just a bit longer. Right now, we need to rest. Grizz is right. I'm always tired now. I just want to sleep.
POLLA: And what if we don't wake up anymore? What if we fade away too?
GRIZZLY: Don't think those things. You've already brought BB into hysterical tears over there. *points*
POLLA: I-I'm sorry. It's just... this is all so weird. Now when we sleep I'm not sure if we'll ever wake again. It was different when Piojo was alive - here, I mean. He never really slept, and I knew he'd be there to wake us up in the morning, or whenever we were needed. I hate sleeping now.
NINJA: I's know. That be why you n' Yang've been goin' at it almos' every damn night, jus' t'get the endorphin pumpin' through us n' relaxin' us, righ'? But sheesh, woman, let's jus' cut all this crap n' get some shut-eye. I's think we's got a fair chance of wakin'.