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05 June 2007 - 17:36

La Llorona

BB cried the entire way over here, on the plane. She's still crying, sobbing the same words over and over and over again: "�Mi beb�! �Ay, mi beb� chiquito!" She wandered around the house for a while, like a lost spook, wailing and crying out, calling for her lost children: "Kiro! Ni�o! Angel!" I can still hear her wailing to herself away in the deep dark of the closet. She holds herself now and calls out for them still.

I have to say, as a man, the worst moment of my life has been that one instant where that little ping�o called out for me to come back, and not being able to. "To! To!" he yelled, struggling against my sister's grasp. I can see him still, waving for me to come back down those stairs, demanding and pleading with all the might of his tiny lungs. Shit, I'm making B cry worse. But I can't help remembering. I can still feel his tiny little torso up against mine as I wrapped my arms around him, more for my own comfort than his. And BB spills tears of salt down my face. Damn. I will never be the same again.

Don't get me wrong, I will also miss my sister. But it was her choice, dawg. She wanted ta go back to dat dick. It all be her fault. I can't miss her for something she chose to do.

I know, my brother, I know. It's what I was getting at. The reason Angel hurts me all the more is because he didn't chose to leave me behind. None of them did, not him or Kiro or Ni�o, or even the damn turtles. It was the Dud's decision, as much as it hurts me to say. And now I won't see any of them again, and it's not my fault and it's not fair! I miss them all so much and I don't understand how Rosa Isela can possibly think that this is the path that's best for them. I don't understand how she... she can just kill us all like this. How she can do this to me, to 'Ama and Pifas, to Mu�e and my dogs, to my SpiderCat and... God, this all just pisses tapioca balls. I don't know how to comfort BB, because the only thing that would make me feel better right now would be to hold my nephew close against me again... and I know that's what she wants, too. She tells me so with her tear-welled eyes. You tell me so too, Ninja, in your own angry way. And my heart feels heavy, and I will weep for many hours today. All of today, because we have to be better tomorrow, and the next, and the next. We've got to be strong, got to keep going, got to... move on? Never. We all cry out in silent protest. We will never move on from this. Not from this wound. It kills too much. I need my baby, I need my child... I need... mi beb�. Mi beb� chiquito.

These hours alone in the house will be the worst.

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