Angel was going to counseling, and once school started, he was institutionalized in a psych ward for a few days last month, and it was during that same week that we found out about the passing of Lindsey, the last member of Oure Gaiya. I think both events occuring at the same time (or at least our finding out about Oure Gaiya during that time) really stunned us and left us numb. That was also the same week we had planned to go to Houston for the Young Turks meetup. Mom wanted us to cancel, and we almost considered it, but in the end, we went through with it, because I felt it was important. Politics is important, and could have a real effect on mental healthcare. I felt it was important both for Angel and Oure Gaiya.

Since then, we haven't really been the same. We've been unable to really talk to Angel about what's going on with him and his headspace, and only learn bits and pieces about what's going on with him through second-hand information provided to us by his younger brother and sister. This is how we came to know that he has 13 people in his head, like us. We don't know all their names, and I feel as though he's pulling away from us, actually. Maybe he feels we betrayed him when we confronted his mother. Maybe he feels it should have been more of a confrontation, and that we were turning our back to him by not forcefully opposing my sister. I dunno. *shruggs* All I know is that he hasn't really looked for us since then, and he actively avoids being alone with us, or having a one-on-one conversation with me. It makes me sad, but again, I feel this affects some of my inner siblings more than me. I've always been more of a cold-hearted, analytical jerk. Sentiments don't phase me as much as the others.

The death of Oure Gaiya, though, hurts me more.

Y'know, I didn't realize that until I typed that down just now. Because we looked to the multiple community for comfort and guidance whenever problems popped up. Even if we didn't ask for their help outright, which we did, actually, for Papo's situation, sometimes just reading their posts, their continued fight for acceptance and equal rights for plural folks, gave me strength. Jazz, especially, was always so welcoming and nice to us. It's dumb, but I thought they'd be around forever. Fuck, I'm crying now. Shit. I can't help it, and I'm at the public library typing up this shit. People are going to see me weeping like a bitch. Get yer shit t'gether, Grizzler. I'm trying, sorry.

But don't you guys feel it, too? The desperation? I guess we're mourning, and have been doing so very slowly. This process has been so drawn out and draining... All the changes at work haven't helped, either. It's as if all these changes are happening at once, and we're being buried under all that weight, and can't get out from under it. RenFest sounds fun. It does, Sal. It'll be a nice distraction, but it won't be for some time, yet. Right now, I really wanted to sit down and vent this shit the only way I know how. Organize our thoughts. Where do we go from here? How do we reach out back to our community, to our nephew? How do we reconnect the threads?

NINJA: "All I's need is a razor blade to cut away the pain..."

XVL: "Some string to mend my tattered veins, and pills to face the day!"

*both laugh*

GRIZZLY: You guys are idiots. *smile* What would I do without you? (And shit, I'm crying again.)

XVL: Hang in there, bro. *wrapps his arm around my shoulders* We'll get through this.

NINJA: It's what we be here for. Y'ain't alone. An' you ain't the only one hurtin'.

GRIZZLY: I know that. But it's hard getting up in the morning; it's hard getting ourself to do anything at all.

*Jack slithers over to me, a vibrant shade of royal violet, and wrapps tentacles around me. He snuggles his head against my chest and now my shirt is wet because he's sniffling, too. Poor guy. This has all been really hard on all of us, on him.*

JACK: Jack misses Jazz...!

NINJA: There, there, guy. We's all do.

XVL: But we can do something nice for them, y'know? I can draw a picture for them, and I think reaching out to the community and asking them to pitch in something nice would be good. Maybe we can do a thread of nice things to say about Oure Gaiya, as a way to have a virtual obituary of sorts. It would be a nice way to remember them by, and send them off in style. You know how BB and I want to work on an embroidery pattern for them, like we did with Jack. And I think your plan to start up a monthly newsletter is a good idea, too. We can distribute it through the PA email list, maybe ask Astraea to put it up on their website.

NINJA: Hell, we's can even start our own website. Y'guys 'member GeoCities? We's used t'have one up on that shit. Now there's that SquareSpace site TYT keeps advertisin'.

GRIZZLY: Problem is, we don't have the SquareSpace money.

JACK: Jack is tired. Jack wants huggles and Piojo and blankets with fuzzies.

XVL: Well, go on then. *Jack slithers off into the Closet. I hope he gets the comfort he's looking for.*

NINJA: Feelin' better, Grizz?

GRIZZLY: A bit. I told you: I needed to vent about this stuff. Now I feel more drained than anything else. I still need to think over what I plan to write to the group at PA. Jazz was the one who really kept things up with everyone. Maybe I should reach out to Astraea first, see if they have any suggestions. I know there used to be a Multiplicity Newsletter... Okay, I just looked it up. It was more of a pamphlet/magazine, called Many Voices. If we started up a newsletter, it wouldn't be nearly as long or fancy as that one. It would be, maybe two pages, four, tops, depending on how much information we can gather from various sources. It would just be a source of information so people can keep up with the community as a whole, without maybe having to be actively trying to keep up with the email list.

BB: I think it's a good idea, Grizzly.

XVL & GRIZZLY: Hi, B.

NINJA: Yo, babe.

BB: You guys are really special, you know that? Thanks for keeping our body running.

GRIZZLY: Learned from the best. *grin*

Well, I actually am feeling much better, thanks guys. Now that I have something to look forward to, instead of wallowing in self pity and grief. So, Sal, you get to working on that design whenever you want, and I'll start looking for information to compile. That way, we'll have something to show the others on the mailing list, as a form of sample newsletter, see if they'll get on board. I'm not sure about the website thing, to be honest. Don't know if people need one more multiplicity page. Astraea and the Crisses seem to be on top of that end of things. Anyhow, library's getting crowded, and we need to go to the store and then get ready for work. Thanks again, everyone, for letting me rant. I love you guys.