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28 May 2004 - 17:29

all in a day's work

The following entry is based on an actual call done by the Human GS, now working as a Collections Agent under the alias Steph Fox, told from the point of view of the eleven alters that inhabit the body.

A lot of this stuff is bullshit, people. It only happened in our head, which makes it real enough to me.


*GS connects calling system and reaches the number of Karen Whatserface*

*phone line beeps feebly once*

Automated-Machine Voice (Feminine): You have reached a number that is protected by a security device. As your number does not appear on the Caller ID, please leave your name or the name of your company after the tone, along with a phone number where you can be reached. When you are finished, press the pound key.


GRIZZLY: Hey, Karen, this is Steph - pick up! *pushes #*

Automated Machine Voice: Thank you. Please wait.

*dingly elevator music plays in the background*

*GS clickes the 'mute' button*

NINJA: No problem... automated pice a shit...

Automated Voice: Your call is now being connected.

Karen: Hello?

SVL: Karen?

Karen: Hello?

PIOJO: The 'mute' button, dumbass.

NINJA: Oh. My bad.

*GS hastly presses the 'mute' button again*

SVL: Karen?

Karen: Yes?

SVL: Is this Karen Whatserface?

Karen: Yes, it is.

YANG: Ma'am, my name is Steph Fox, I'm a Senior Claims Adjustor calling from Nunayr Business Assocites. Now, this-is-an-attempt-to-collect-a-debt-any-information-obtained-will-be-used-for-that-purpose-also-this-call-may-be-monitored-or-recorded-for-quality-assurance.

Karen: Huh?

GRIZZLY: Ma'am, this call is in regard to a claim that has been forwarded to our office by Sprint. You have an overdue balance of $hiticantbelieveyouowethismuchcash and thirty-two cents. I'm calling you to take that payment by phone so I can get you out of collections today.

Karen: I really don't think that can be possible.

NINJA: Shit, me neither! What you do - have phone sex with your man on the phone all night, ya' horny bitch?

YANG (muttering): Shut up, guy.

Karen: As a matter of fact, I did... not have this phone service for many months. I cancelled my account with Sprint a long time ago and I now have another cell with another company. I do not have to pay anything!

BB: Ok, ma'am, I am sorry. We were not aware of the situation. What I need you to do then, if you do not want to continue getting these calls is to go ahead and call up Sprint--

Karen: But I already have called Sprint!

GRIZZLY: When did you call them, ma'am?

Karen: Last month! And the month before that! And every month they've been sending me that billing statement saying I owe a $hitload and thirty-two cents. This last month they told me they took care of my account!

NINJA: Yeah, you idiot. They took care of it by forwarding it to us!

Karen: This is not fair! I'm not paying anything! You know how much you're asking me to pay?

YANG: Sure do. A $hitload and thirty-two cents.

*a young babe (really, not bad lookin', Yang Black thinks) in the adjoining cubicle peers over the dividing wall*

Yung Beib: What's the problem, rookie?

YANG: That I don't got your number, honey.

Karen: What? What do you mean 'you don't have my number'? How did you call me then?

YANG: Damn. Not you. Hold on a second, ma'am.

*GS presses the mute button again*

SVL (to Yung Beib): Yeah, it's this woman on the phone. We're trying to get her to pay but the bitch won't budge. She says she doesn't gotta pay anything.

Yung Beib: You tell her-- aw, forget it. Here, give it to me.

YANG: Here?! The cubicle won't hide much, y'know. The guys around'll be able to see. I don't mind tho', do you? No? Ok, hold on a sec... *begins to unzip his pants*

Beib: I meant give me the headset, you pervert.

NINJA: Heh-heh-heh! Headset... ya sure ya want that?

*Yung Beib grinns and takes the headset from GS, who pushes the 'mute' button again. Beib knows we jus' be playin', dawg*

POLLA: Like Hell you were!

*Yung Beib doesn't hear this, as she is too busy bitching out the bitch on the line*

Beib: Listen to me, ma'am, the amount Sprint is charging you is the termination fee. You just told us you cancelled the contract early so you could get with another company. If you terminate the contract before it's over, you get charged extra.

*Karen won't listen, and after a few minutes of this, the seasoned vet can't handle the situation any more. We hail for our supervisor*

Beib: Hey, we need a T/O here!

SuperVisor: What seems to be the problem?

MOCO: Esta vieja pendeja, que no quiere pagar.

SuperVisor: All right, let me take over this one.

*Our supervisor bitches some more and even bargains, but to no avail. Karen refuses to pay even even a tiny $hitling. Nope, she won't even crap out the thirty-two cents.*


There you have it, people. This is what we now do for a living. So pay your bills, or you'll be hearing from us!

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